AWOL : Where is Shimitty?

[Shimitty]

*Before you read please keep in mind that this is not a notice of resignation, but a venting of frustrations*

Some of you may have noticed my absence following some strange behavior. I have been meaning to make a post about this for some time, but I've been involved in other things. I just want to say this here so it's on the record and I don't have to tell the same story 50 times.

I want to start by saying I love the server and the people who come here. My absence is not because of a gripe against Remi, a staff member, or any one person in the community. This post is about me and my problems, so if you don't care about such things you can just jump down to the TL;DR and get on with your day.

I don't feel it's necessary to go over my entire history of getting into Touhou and coming here and all the drama in-between like similar posts to this. All you need to know is that at one point I became a builder. I was a new member of an exciting team! I was a bright eyed and bushy tailed hand with fresh ideas. I went in with others and replaced old and outdated builds with bright and fresh ones. As time went on, there were problems, tensions, tempers flared, and drama happened. Don't get me wrong there were plenty of good and amazing times, days I would never change and never forget. But there were the days that I never want to relive.

It's been over a year and a half since I became a builder. On the 12th, It will have been two years since I logged in for the first time. You would think I would be excited for such a milestone, but I'm anything but. All of that drama has taken it's toll. And all of those ideas are fresh out. I look back and think about all the builds that I replaced. There would usually be a bit of resistance from the original builder. Despite our rule "no sacred builds," they were always bitter about their build being replaced. It's only been recently that I realized how they felt.

Right now I am the oldest serving builder. All of the original builders from when I was voted in are gone. And now instead of being a new fresh face, I'm the oldfag. We elect new builders and they give fresh ideas to Gensokyo, and now I'm the old, bitter, outdated builder. And with now seeing my builds getting replaced, I'm now understanding the bitterness. I have put so much time and effort into this community. I have almost 100 days of time logged on the server. I have done hours and hours of planning and discussing builds. I have put my best efforts into helping run this server. What do I have to show for investing a whole 1.5% of my life in this community?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

The truth is that I am replaceable. There are plenty of people out there who can come in and do exactly what I did, and probably do it even better. With each passing month I can see my relevance decease. My ideas are becoming dated and unimaginative. I've served longer than any other builder has, and I'm starting to feel like my time is just about over. The cycle of new builders with fresh Ideas taking the place of the dated ones, while cleche, needs to continue.

Once again, this isn't saying I'm leaving right now. I've been thinking about this over the last month, thinking that maybe a vacation from the server would help me collect my thoughts. So here I am, at a healthy distance from the community trying to spend my free time without much drama. I think after the next builder meeting I will try to ease my way back into the community to see if I still fit in. Nothing is concrete at this point, I might leave, I might not, I'll just have to see how I feel.

TL;DR: I have been gone for a month because I'm insecure about my place in the community and I needed a little bit of space.

PS: I decided to call myself "Absent Without Offical Leave" instead of "Taking a break" because it sound more badass.

*Once again, please keep in mind that this is not a notice of resignation, but a venting of frustrations*

[Redleaf64]

I understand that you have a lot to think about. Do everything you can to help you think about things, and if taking a break from the community will help, that's completely fine. I've had my fair share of a idea as well when things were tough.

[S121]

@Shimitty

Hmm...

I know we don't really know each other, but I can understand how you feel. Just as you said, you feel as if you are expendable, replacable, that like in IRL you'll metaphorically age and die so that the newer generation can take your place. It's a depressing feeling, one that makes you feel helpless against the times.

Luckily, IRL and Minecraft are two different things. You may be an "oldfag", but you're not outdated. If anything, your time here is an advantage. Why? Experience, knowledge, building skills that have been developed over a long period of time. That's your advantage. Sure, the new guys may have some fresh ideas, but then again, there will always be someone out there that sees things differently than you, sees a different way to complete a task or a different building style. Instead of seeing these new ideas as a negative thing, see them as another opportunity to learn something new. In fact, I'm positive that those newer builders don't know about some of the stuff you've learned.

If you still feel as if you have no purpose here, then consider this: you have the knowledge and skills, they have the newer ideas. Use your strengths and teach them some tricks, guide them, lead and better organize them so that these ideas can be better realized. In the process, you just may learn a thing or two as well.

[Aka Izayoi]

Just as S121さん has mentioned, there is no substitute for experience. Either you have it, or you don't. I don't believe it is needed to mention which side you reside on, miss Minamitsu, so take your time to recollect your thoughts.

[Shimitty]

@s121 @Sakuya I appreciate your encouragement. However you have to understand staff "culture" to understand where I'm coming from. Experience isn't as highly valued as actual work. It's not how many builds you have done for gensokyo that matter, it's how many are still there. My builds are in gensokyo, therefore I am a builder.

And you have to remember I'm not a born builder. I had to do a lot of practice work on a lot of builds to get to where I am now. And even then, my builds pale in comparison to a born builder. The other day someone who isn't even on staff made a much better Christmas tree than me, and I wouldn't be surprised if it got used for the hakurei Christmas tree this year. I know that it really shouldn't bother me but it does. Every time a build of mine is replaced it kinda hurts. When I was the one replacing peoples builds, I was killing them little by little without even realizing it.

Eventually every builder has to face their time. The time when you they no longer relevant, when in the sever's eyes they don't really exist. It's probably not my time quite yet, but it is coming, and that scares me.

[S121]

@Shimitty

So the main problem is that you feel your skills are inadequate to those of newer, born builders, that their talent will shadow over yours, correct?

The reason I'm asking is that for me, I usually solve my problems and predicaments by finding the root cause for my distress. I'm asking because it might help you too.

As for the possible future of not being a builder, I do have a question about it. What changes after one is no longer a builder?

[Aka Izayoi]

You are correct miss Minamitsu. Perhaps I may not understand your stance, as I am simply a maid. But, one thing I am certain of, Minamitsuさん has enough sense and foresight to see you care for the server and its relation with you. If you don't like the future you currently see, stop wasting precious energy over it. Start making the one you do prefer.
Certainly, perseverance and work is a requirement for such a thing. But, more importantly. I wonder, what is it you want.

[Nuclearblt]

Shimitty, it maybe your time, or maybe another day, nobody seems to know. But, trust me, time is very important and should not be taken for granted. Although, you might be taking a break for now or "absent without official leave" still, you still have time to hop into action, make astounding builds, revise old ones. Until that times comes I would say think about this decision, because ultimately that decision is yours.

[Remilia Scarlet]

Running around classes so I'm just going to keep this short.

While I certainly have no real objections or anything with your logic behind your feelings, but I'm not entirely certain if the entire staff share your thoughts on the measure of worth as a builder. While you may not have many more builds that are accredited purely to you, there are a ton of builds left that you contributed to and share the credit for. Unless you're telling me you didn't touch any of the last year of builds, which I'm pretty sure isn't true. Also, exactly how many builders can actually say they have more than maybe one or two builds purely under their names? Don't you have the shrine and some other random stuff lying around? Being a builder is way less about actual output than it is being a fit with the culture and having the WILLINGNESS to work. If I actually cared about build output, do you think the current situation of "not much has been built" would be in existence? Most of us, at the end of the day, are around for the community that we've built and far less so for BUILD ALL OF GENSOKYO GRAGHHHH. I mean yeah, Genso's important and all but YC's become so much more than just that.

Anyway, if your sole criteria and reason for "being a builder" is to do nothing but build genso and have as many builds under your belt, then I can't really stop you or change how you think but also realize, we've actively been trying to shift away from people having builds only to them and rather doing more group builds. Don't feel bad. I've still only ever worked on the reactor and that shitty excuse of a library.




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[Tenko]

The truth is that I am replaceable.

I'd like to say:
Bullshit. You can't replace memories or any of the feelings associated with it.
Sure; you can leave and we can basically have a new builder, but it's like removing a red block for a green block. You'll notice something is different and it wouldn't feel the same.
Even if your ideas are unoriginal or unimaginative, they're still ideas; your ideas at that.

I'm not saying "hey, get the hell back here and work or you die"; it's hard to explain what I'm trying to say right now.
As Remi said; none of us can stop you. (Writing that felt like I'm saying "pls gtfo"; I don't intend it that way.)

As hypocritical as it may be, I dislike people slandering their presence; everyone has impacted the server in some form or way.

[Shimitty]

Not sure if it means anything, but this post i'm writing is on my Yukkuricraft Cakeday. Two year ago from when I type this post, I joined Yukkuricraft for the first time. I came on the server to commemorate somehow. It's strange how my feelings coming on now are very similar to then: Unfamiliar, distant, unsure about being here. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I can't get any motivation to build. Whenever I go on mumble, everyone is always playing a game I don't have and don't really want to play. I feel like I just don't fit in, even less so than when I joined. So anyway, happy Cakeday to me. It's been a wild two years!

[S121]

@Shimitty

What games do you have?