I know this is long, but if you truely wish to know why what is happening, is happening, please read it.
Now I think it is time for me to speak up. For a long time I’ve kept quiet, silent and never questioning anyone really. But let’s face it, times are stressful for me now, and I can’t sleep well anymore. My heart is full to the brim with strange emotions. It has been for at least 2 months, if not longer. I’m not one to press my feelings on others. But with this being an appropriate place to do so, I will do so only here. The gardener has a few words for those she serves.
I haven’t felt comfortable amongst those I have considered friends for a while; even before Touhoucraft first ended. I sensed so much negativity, and avoidance. A lot of people I knew hid themselves, their true selves, behind a thicker mask than what one normally wears in order to not hurt me. In the end, seeing that face hidden only hurt more, especially when the pain spread to others. No one vented their problems out to the friends they knew would be willing to listen, as thus built up a strange attitude toward any conflict. Our community always had problems, as any did, but how we handled those problems, was done very poorly and without real consideration. They only covered the surface level, patched over a still infesting wound.
Over my time, nearly two years with the same people, the same sort of people I grew trust with many and did my best to show who I really am. Many others in the same group did too, but they were shunned. Why was I given such a high pedestal over others? Even when I thought the same way, expressive and empathetic, I still stood out to people somehow. It was because I never shared my problems, not even to my closest friends. Others seeking help from their friends did share.
Some shared their problems in bad ways, forced them out in public, and some tried their best to keep it amongst those they were close to. While those that forced it were removed, some others still got taken away, why? The community had two mindsets from the beginning. I saw two places, one that hid themselves and tried to act emotionless, like robots, or close to it. Then there was the other, filled with love and honesty, even though they had visible flaws. The way those groups treated each other was horrible. The robots split off often and made private areas for those they deemed worthy, perfect and only about playing games. They were distant people, many of them. And they complained and made public fusses about any that showed undesirable emotion. Instead of going deep and taking a bit of pain to repair damage, they covered up the surface issue and said to leave it or be rejected.
The reason most of the “drama” happened was because anyone who tried to converse their problems between friends, especially if their friends happened to be the robot type, got their problems exposed as reasons for removal. No one tolerated even a cry for help to at least show there was someone to be reached out to. Anyone that was weak or showed emotion was labeled an outcast. This went on, over and over with worse and worse cases; until it killed what little was left of those people inside. Who were these robotic, ignorant, unperceiving, and lying people? From all my time, being the community’s “middle man to go to” I have found that it is the very same people that now run Yukkuricraft.
Yes, I said it, the ones I found as friends for the longest time are no longer who I originally met them as, at least, most of them. At the time, what I had written in those Christmas boxes I thought to be still true, some are, some aren’t. Those that are not, are cases of utter shock, seeing what little soul or perception came out of them. Some, had even been corrupted by power, and now run the server like a business. Yukkuricraft is no longer it’s original server. The plans I remember being thought of by those wanting peace turned into a factory. All I heard was about making Gensokyo, and making it fast.
Let’s be honest here, I got it easy, no one questioned me because I remained silent to my own flaws and thought I had to go against the world alone. I thought much the same as both sides, to help but not receive. I hushed myself from others, which let those here now tolerate me. But I still tried to go in private and help people, even when told it was stupid. I got down to the roots of the problems, why they happened underneath and what made the people involved feel that way. I looked at what they truly desired, and not desired, and what they had to their name. Using what tools they had I constructed ideas on how they could solve their problem without hurting others, unless a bit of pain was needed for those involved to find their path. Let’s face it, no pain, no gain. Sometimes we must sacrifice for the greater good, but not use ourselves as doormats.
Perception was the key, and I see barely any of it here. Only the surface was there any effort in problem solving. What happened to Topaz this last week was a great example of that. All I saw were worries about the builds and keeping them or getting Topaz to stop being angry by force. No one thought, “hey, Topaz is taking a long break, she even explained why in her post, maybe we can go ask what is making her feel so uncomfortable.” All that fiasco could have been avoided if Topaz was given a grace and allowed to take a rest. She would have still built things. She was not, “just a builder”. If one had examined a tiny bit deeper, they would have seen how much she sacrificed to make the map what it was. Hell, she admitted to me she cut studying and got B’s instead of A’s this semester. No one think of how much she cared? No one considered how she felt or what her goals were? Think deeper than just building, but how one feels while doing it. It was a hobby, but after being told to do things more than I, a mod, she found it like a job. Did no one seriously think about why she wanted a break, only that she was a builder not building at factory speed for a break?
While in the end, both sides were at fault for miscommunicating and getting defensive, all of this could have been avoided by taking the time and pain, small pain over the large conflict. This has happened for a long time, again and again, by the same groups of people. Much of the “drama” long ago was caused in the same way; miscommunication and publically complaining about it in inappropriately designed places. The Skype chats became poisoned with this. But no one noticed on the server until people leaked it there. No one handled the problems fully, so they never really got solved, only infested and inflated. Some people tried to dig deeper, and often got shunned from being so concerned. I find it funny, even Roukuro, yes, the one most of us disliked for the longest time had a better chance at fixing things. While he had a bad habit of making it public news or looking for distant, friendless fixes, he had the right idea, digging deep to find what really is inside. Yes, he had biases against his own problems, and felt need to follow some, but we all do that at some points in our life. He had pushed his issues in public like he did others in an effort to solve the problem. Even with the biases to making things quicker and easier, honestly, I can’t blame him anymore, he fucked up, yes, but from what I have heard from many, he at least made an effort to improve on that failure. I have not seen that from many others in Yukkuricraft.
Very few looked deep within others enough. I saw some take on surface issues at distances, but only a few went deep. Icebrawler6 was often a case like this, getting emotional, yes, but caring more than wanting the problem to just disappear with no effort. Sodamachine makes good efforts in thinking deeply as well, even if neutral and seemingly too blunt for many. He speaks truth, nothing more, nothing less. Those are two examples I found of leaders. I won’t name anyone else of positive or negative note, but I felt at least after what both Soda and Ice have done for me, I at least merit them that much. Those that see this now and know me well enough will know where they stand in this, and if they don’t and do not ask me where they are, then they fall under that shell of ignorance on at least my perspective. I cannot say, under others they show the same behavior.
It hurts me to see so many go rejected and so many people reject others, and themselves. It also is horrible to see how much people stick to their comfort zone and now step out to blend with a community or help someone get back in and feel good about it. That is the key, the solutions must have felt good in the end, and the results show satisfaction with improvement. Being forced to act a way you don’t and actively hide what you really feel suck, doesn’t it? But also acting like yourself without considering who you are talking to and perceiving how they feel is also a bad way to go about socializing. A few names stand out to me on this behavior, but I will not mention them.
Seeing how much ignorance and inconsideration until it’s too late or something is at risk makes me sad to see. And after so much of it, I can’t really say I can bare it much longer. Writing here and now has brought me to tears with how much it hurts to say these things and remember what good I did see, and what bad scarred this community. Now that I know where the pain lies and what group causes it. I can’t say I can stay here much and be happy. I’ve tried for two years to work with many of you, but nothing changed, nothing. The only thing was the ranks grew, and people that started differently, changed, and not for the better. While I have made mistakes too, and everyone on both ends have, I see one place improving, and another, stagnant. I helped create Yukkuricraft in the hopes of making a change, get away from people I thought would make Touhoucraft a business and not fun. Turns out, Yukkuricraft became what I feared. Walls held those people back and kept trying to keep Touhoucraft free and fun. It was still a caring place, where people would listen to you if you needed listening to. It was a true community, and then it got ruined by miscommunication and intolerance and laziness. I have made my share of mistakes there, and even now I see that my thoughts were off some because of how shy people were after a certain point, when the “drama” began.
I am trapped between lines, seeing my friends fight. Where do I lie here? Am I part of the deep, emotional thinkers, or the logical but self-oriented minds? I think this song, one that has calmed me during stress, describes it enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE54v...feature=relmfu
Over the last two years, I have been on both sides, whether anyone noticed a side to begin with. But now I must pick one, an only one. Let’s be honest here, I’m done. I can’t be around people like this anymore. No one is the same as I met them, and even then, most of that was a lie. I was kept in the dark to true emotions and told facts of confusion. I am not mad, but I am sad it has come to this.
I am resigning from any further work with Yukkuricraft or it’s members of staff...
Let’s face it, my friends have changed, cold and distant, or fighting against each other. And though it pains me to even say this, I’d rather go with those that truly cared for others, not even just Touhoucraft. I do not see that care here, not in people, just in numbers and production. These thoughts have plagued me for at least 4 months now and it’s time to take the plunge on myself. I can’t be with who I thought I could, not like this.
I’ll be sheathing my swords from combat here, and go about my way to fight other battles. I will fight for what I believe and if you call me out on this, fine, I will take it. Hate me all you want or not, but I have voiced myself, finally. What you make of it is your own decision, but mine is set. I’ll be ready to fight for it, in my own courage and spirit. Closing the thread if you wish as soon as you read this, but feel free to leave what opinions or quips you have on this idea or me, and ONLY here. I stillthank you for taking the time to even go through my wall of text and emotion. I cannot undo what I have done and I am prepared for the worst. I'll be ready.
I leave with this music in mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo0iWOEzgYg
I’ll be in the garden if you need me, but be warned, I am on guard duty as well.
-Youmu Konpaku
Now I think it is time for me to speak up. For a long time I’ve kept quiet, silent and never questioning anyone really. But let’s face it, times are stressful for me now, and I can’t sleep well anymore. My heart is full to the brim with strange emotions. It has been for at least 2 months, if not longer. I’m not one to press my feelings on others. But with this being an appropriate place to do so, I will do so only here. The gardener has a few words for those she serves.
I haven’t felt comfortable amongst those I have considered friends for a while; even before Touhoucraft first ended. I sensed so much negativity, and avoidance. A lot of people I knew hid themselves, their true selves, behind a thicker mask than what one normally wears in order to not hurt me. In the end, seeing that face hidden only hurt more, especially when the pain spread to others. No one vented their problems out to the friends they knew would be willing to listen, as thus built up a strange attitude toward any conflict. Our community always had problems, as any did, but how we handled those problems, was done very poorly and without real consideration. They only covered the surface level, patched over a still infesting wound.
Over my time, nearly two years with the same people, the same sort of people I grew trust with many and did my best to show who I really am. Many others in the same group did too, but they were shunned. Why was I given such a high pedestal over others? Even when I thought the same way, expressive and empathetic, I still stood out to people somehow. It was because I never shared my problems, not even to my closest friends. Others seeking help from their friends did share.
Some shared their problems in bad ways, forced them out in public, and some tried their best to keep it amongst those they were close to. While those that forced it were removed, some others still got taken away, why? The community had two mindsets from the beginning. I saw two places, one that hid themselves and tried to act emotionless, like robots, or close to it. Then there was the other, filled with love and honesty, even though they had visible flaws. The way those groups treated each other was horrible. The robots split off often and made private areas for those they deemed worthy, perfect and only about playing games. They were distant people, many of them. And they complained and made public fusses about any that showed undesirable emotion. Instead of going deep and taking a bit of pain to repair damage, they covered up the surface issue and said to leave it or be rejected.
The reason most of the “drama” happened was because anyone who tried to converse their problems between friends, especially if their friends happened to be the robot type, got their problems exposed as reasons for removal. No one tolerated even a cry for help to at least show there was someone to be reached out to. Anyone that was weak or showed emotion was labeled an outcast. This went on, over and over with worse and worse cases; until it killed what little was left of those people inside. Who were these robotic, ignorant, unperceiving, and lying people? From all my time, being the community’s “middle man to go to” I have found that it is the very same people that now run Yukkuricraft.
Yes, I said it, the ones I found as friends for the longest time are no longer who I originally met them as, at least, most of them. At the time, what I had written in those Christmas boxes I thought to be still true, some are, some aren’t. Those that are not, are cases of utter shock, seeing what little soul or perception came out of them. Some, had even been corrupted by power, and now run the server like a business. Yukkuricraft is no longer it’s original server. The plans I remember being thought of by those wanting peace turned into a factory. All I heard was about making Gensokyo, and making it fast.
Let’s be honest here, I got it easy, no one questioned me because I remained silent to my own flaws and thought I had to go against the world alone. I thought much the same as both sides, to help but not receive. I hushed myself from others, which let those here now tolerate me. But I still tried to go in private and help people, even when told it was stupid. I got down to the roots of the problems, why they happened underneath and what made the people involved feel that way. I looked at what they truly desired, and not desired, and what they had to their name. Using what tools they had I constructed ideas on how they could solve their problem without hurting others, unless a bit of pain was needed for those involved to find their path. Let’s face it, no pain, no gain. Sometimes we must sacrifice for the greater good, but not use ourselves as doormats.
Perception was the key, and I see barely any of it here. Only the surface was there any effort in problem solving. What happened to Topaz this last week was a great example of that. All I saw were worries about the builds and keeping them or getting Topaz to stop being angry by force. No one thought, “hey, Topaz is taking a long break, she even explained why in her post, maybe we can go ask what is making her feel so uncomfortable.” All that fiasco could have been avoided if Topaz was given a grace and allowed to take a rest. She would have still built things. She was not, “just a builder”. If one had examined a tiny bit deeper, they would have seen how much she sacrificed to make the map what it was. Hell, she admitted to me she cut studying and got B’s instead of A’s this semester. No one think of how much she cared? No one considered how she felt or what her goals were? Think deeper than just building, but how one feels while doing it. It was a hobby, but after being told to do things more than I, a mod, she found it like a job. Did no one seriously think about why she wanted a break, only that she was a builder not building at factory speed for a break?
While in the end, both sides were at fault for miscommunicating and getting defensive, all of this could have been avoided by taking the time and pain, small pain over the large conflict. This has happened for a long time, again and again, by the same groups of people. Much of the “drama” long ago was caused in the same way; miscommunication and publically complaining about it in inappropriately designed places. The Skype chats became poisoned with this. But no one noticed on the server until people leaked it there. No one handled the problems fully, so they never really got solved, only infested and inflated. Some people tried to dig deeper, and often got shunned from being so concerned. I find it funny, even Roukuro, yes, the one most of us disliked for the longest time had a better chance at fixing things. While he had a bad habit of making it public news or looking for distant, friendless fixes, he had the right idea, digging deep to find what really is inside. Yes, he had biases against his own problems, and felt need to follow some, but we all do that at some points in our life. He had pushed his issues in public like he did others in an effort to solve the problem. Even with the biases to making things quicker and easier, honestly, I can’t blame him anymore, he fucked up, yes, but from what I have heard from many, he at least made an effort to improve on that failure. I have not seen that from many others in Yukkuricraft.
Very few looked deep within others enough. I saw some take on surface issues at distances, but only a few went deep. Icebrawler6 was often a case like this, getting emotional, yes, but caring more than wanting the problem to just disappear with no effort. Sodamachine makes good efforts in thinking deeply as well, even if neutral and seemingly too blunt for many. He speaks truth, nothing more, nothing less. Those are two examples I found of leaders. I won’t name anyone else of positive or negative note, but I felt at least after what both Soda and Ice have done for me, I at least merit them that much. Those that see this now and know me well enough will know where they stand in this, and if they don’t and do not ask me where they are, then they fall under that shell of ignorance on at least my perspective. I cannot say, under others they show the same behavior.
It hurts me to see so many go rejected and so many people reject others, and themselves. It also is horrible to see how much people stick to their comfort zone and now step out to blend with a community or help someone get back in and feel good about it. That is the key, the solutions must have felt good in the end, and the results show satisfaction with improvement. Being forced to act a way you don’t and actively hide what you really feel suck, doesn’t it? But also acting like yourself without considering who you are talking to and perceiving how they feel is also a bad way to go about socializing. A few names stand out to me on this behavior, but I will not mention them.
Seeing how much ignorance and inconsideration until it’s too late or something is at risk makes me sad to see. And after so much of it, I can’t really say I can bare it much longer. Writing here and now has brought me to tears with how much it hurts to say these things and remember what good I did see, and what bad scarred this community. Now that I know where the pain lies and what group causes it. I can’t say I can stay here much and be happy. I’ve tried for two years to work with many of you, but nothing changed, nothing. The only thing was the ranks grew, and people that started differently, changed, and not for the better. While I have made mistakes too, and everyone on both ends have, I see one place improving, and another, stagnant. I helped create Yukkuricraft in the hopes of making a change, get away from people I thought would make Touhoucraft a business and not fun. Turns out, Yukkuricraft became what I feared. Walls held those people back and kept trying to keep Touhoucraft free and fun. It was still a caring place, where people would listen to you if you needed listening to. It was a true community, and then it got ruined by miscommunication and intolerance and laziness. I have made my share of mistakes there, and even now I see that my thoughts were off some because of how shy people were after a certain point, when the “drama” began.
I am trapped between lines, seeing my friends fight. Where do I lie here? Am I part of the deep, emotional thinkers, or the logical but self-oriented minds? I think this song, one that has calmed me during stress, describes it enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE54v...feature=relmfu
Over the last two years, I have been on both sides, whether anyone noticed a side to begin with. But now I must pick one, an only one. Let’s be honest here, I’m done. I can’t be around people like this anymore. No one is the same as I met them, and even then, most of that was a lie. I was kept in the dark to true emotions and told facts of confusion. I am not mad, but I am sad it has come to this.
I am resigning from any further work with Yukkuricraft or it’s members of staff...
Let’s face it, my friends have changed, cold and distant, or fighting against each other. And though it pains me to even say this, I’d rather go with those that truly cared for others, not even just Touhoucraft. I do not see that care here, not in people, just in numbers and production. These thoughts have plagued me for at least 4 months now and it’s time to take the plunge on myself. I can’t be with who I thought I could, not like this.
I’ll be sheathing my swords from combat here, and go about my way to fight other battles. I will fight for what I believe and if you call me out on this, fine, I will take it. Hate me all you want or not, but I have voiced myself, finally. What you make of it is your own decision, but mine is set. I’ll be ready to fight for it, in my own courage and spirit. Closing the thread if you wish as soon as you read this, but feel free to leave what opinions or quips you have on this idea or me, and ONLY here. I stillthank you for taking the time to even go through my wall of text and emotion. I cannot undo what I have done and I am prepared for the worst. I'll be ready.
I leave with this music in mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo0iWOEzgYg
I’ll be in the garden if you need me, but be warned, I am on guard duty as well.
-Youmu Konpaku
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